i explained the whole thing to my mom on the phone and she said "wait, so does anyone actually care that you're doing this work?" and my honest answer was well no. and then she said "aren't there actual problems that you'd be more effective at working on?" and my honest answer was well yes. significantly. and for a variety of reasons that i don't want to think about much less type out, this seems to be what my organization wants me to be doing.
i am good at this work i care about this work i do not know why i can't just do good work.
if i am still this miserable this time next year or even 6 months from now i'm going to have to figure something out. it's pretty clear this whole big plan to readjust my job so that i could do work has not so much worked out. and i feel like the whole year has been wasted in terms of my career. and i feel like i've written this exact same post at least 20 times already, just complaining. i don't know what to do.
good thing i don't define myself by my work or career or anything.